Author: Nikki Preston (Educational Psychologist)

If we have learnt anything from this COVID-19 pandemic it is that change is a certainty. Change and transitioning is often hard at the best of times. While some children seem to manage, others have really battled – and understandably so. Observations that you may have noted in your children include increased clinginess and tearfulness, poor sleep patterns, changes in eating habits, tantrums and outbursts, a reluctance or refusal to go to school, low frustration tolerance, sore stomachs, limited concentration, hyperactivity, emotional withdrawal, defiance, and behaviours associated with an earlier age or stage of development.

An explanation from a neuroscience perspective?

We might be tempted to see these behaviours as signs of misbehaving, rebelling or seeking attention. However, lessons from research into trauma and anxiety indicate that these behaviours have a far more primal and adaptive base. In reaction to stress or tension our brain’s and body’s automated response is to protect ourselves from threat. The lower parts of the brain responsible for bodily protection have swamped the parts of the brain in charge of clear thinking, reasoning and emotion control. So, these children who are perceived to be “acting out”, are in essence functioning on high alert and in a state of fight, flight or freeze. Their bodies are telling them to respond to a risk and they will attempt to avoid or reduce that threat in any way they can.

In other words, they are reacting to a situation that is making them feel unsafe, and are trying to find ways to tell them what they are feeling, often reverting to their behaviour as a means of communication.

The next question is: why do some children react negatively and others appear largely unaffected? In attempting to answer this, many research and developmental psychologists take to looking at the concept of resilience. The word ‘resilience’ has become a bit of a buzz-word in society, gaining traction through sensationalised views of what it looks like to be this powerful thing called ‘resilient’. So, let’s unpack it according to the research.

Resilience is defined as the ability to overcome hardship. It is the competency to do well despite adverse experiences. Psychological research in child development has found that protective factors, which enhance healthy and appropriate coping mechanisms, will foster resilience. It is a balancing act to achieve some form of equilibrium by counteracting negative outcomes with protective experiences.

What are these protective experiences? Harvard University’s Developing Child Journal reported that the single most reliable factor to foster childhood resilience is at least one secure, stable and committed relationship with a supportive parent or caregiver.  This protective factor offers a child a bedrock that models problem-solving abilities, self-regulation, self-belief and perceived control over a situation. Cumulative and consistent exposure of these parenting attributes have the ability to shift a child from succumbing to hardship, and achieving triumph.

Simply put: Helping your child foster resilience is helping you as a parent. The analogy that you cannot pour from an empty cup, speaks to this entirely. How can parents be expected to boost resilience in their children, if they themselves are driving on ‘empty’? In order to be this “secure, supportive and stable” parent, it is imperative for parents to start with themselves and prioritise their very own self-care and well-being. As the saying goes ‘a happy parent is a happy child’. Similarly, ‘a resilient parent is a resilient child’. This, according to the statistics, is most likely going to serve as the buffer that children require from developmental disruption.

How can we be this for our children?

1. Be your child’s mirror: A secure parent-child relationship is one where a caregiver is responsive to a child’s needs, is predictable, and reliable. Consistency and following through (well, most of the time) is a good place to begin. Change often breeds instability and our children look to us to gauge the severity and intensity of how they need to respond. We are their reflection. If they observe an unstable, frightened and chaotic parent, the chances are their responses will be paralleled. In contrast, if they see a parent who is facing difficulty, but one who is exploring ways to plan and problem solve, they can begin to model this too. Authentically conveying to children that while things may not be going smoothly, having hope is better than despair will demonstrate grit and negate victim-thinking.
2. Observe your own responses: You may also be feeling overwhelmed and stressed. Pay attention to days when you are feeling more vulnerable, reactive and in sensory overload (i.e., days when noises and touch annoy you more than usual). Acknowledge and notice the emotion as it starts to build, and be conscious that you might be less patient and more reactive than you would like to be. Awareness is key to implementing any change or strategy. When you approach aggressive or regressive behaviours from a perspective of understanding and empathy, you will help your child (and yourself) understand and let go of the emotional energy that is driving the behaviour.
3. Practise self-compassion: Allow yourself to feel and be vulnerable. Yes – sit with that unnerving feeling and validate it. Emotional experiences make you human. Avoiding them can lead to an accumulation of unwanted stress. Allow them, float in them and let them move on. They are fluid and changing and remind yourself each day that everything you are doing is actually good enough.
4. Connect: Social engagement and interconnectedness are part of our innate human biology. COVID-19 and all its regulations have almost robbed us of this. If you are struggling, reach out to your network and ask for help. The number of times I hear parents sigh a sense of relief and exclaim “I already feel better knowing I am not alone” is countless. Lean on loved ones, communicate with teachers, therapists and other parents. This is your emotional resource and support system. 
5. Take time for yourself: This is your permission slip to prioritise your alone time. This looks different for everyone: Read that chapter in your book, walk outdoors, have that glass of wine…if, of course, our government permits it!

Resilience fuel for children:

We have tackled being the resilient parent so that we can then focus on our children. How can we teach self-regulation skills in order to raise resilient children?

1. Validate feelings:  This is not the same as condoning or agreeing with them. Acknowledging a child’s feeling and labelling it for them is the first step to helping them build their emotional literacy and gain awareness of this ‘big’ feeling. Normalise these feelings for your child and allow them to understand that adults can relate as well. As human beings we tend to persist with certain behaviours until we are effectively heard by the people around us. Validation equates to feeling seen and heard.
2. Manage expectations: Expecting ourselves and our children to get back to normal without acknowledging the omnipresent strangeness we are currently living is unrealistic. Readjusting our expectations of ourselves and our children help us gain a sense of perspective. Expect anxiety to rear its head in some weird and wonderful ways. Enhance and maintain usual daily routines – stability and certainty are so important during transitions. Keep expectations clear by incorporating visual schedules to remind children of their routine and structure. Use aids such as interactive calendars to give children a sense of control over their days and weeks.
3. Empathise: Approach your child’s behaviours with good faith and give your child the benefit of the doubt. Predict and assume that you are facing a frightened child rather than a disobedient one. Use empathy and patience and reframe children’s behaviours in your own mind. You’ll be amazed how powerful the presence of a sympathetic, contained and acknowledging adult can be.
4. Set boundaries: Uphold clear, firm (yet gentle) boundaries when children display unfavourable behaviours. This helps children feel a sense of predictability, security and safety. Provide affirmations for positive behaviours: the value of (authentic) praise knows no bounds. Pick your battles and try to understand your child’s behaviour as a form of communication.
5. Problem-solve: This is considerably empowering for our children. Acknowledge unknown and unfamiliar feelings and allow children to come up with their own plans. This conveys to your children that you believe in their capabilities to get through this and find a suitable solution. If they are struggling, come up with one or two ideas together and encourage them to do the rest.
6. Distress tolerance:  Sometimes it might feel easier to take the easy way out. Looking into our children’s teary eyes and giving in may seem like the comfier option (we know what that sounds like: “Okay. I will do it for you”; “Alright – you can watch TV”. However, what we know is that this feeds the anxiety cycle and creates a sense of self-helplessness. Avoidance is our inner escape artist. Sitting with discomfort teaches children to push through adversity. It portrays to them we that they are capable of managing. And while the feeling is horrible, it is not permanent and will pass.

It’s not too late to adapt: The competencies that underlie what constitutes resilience can be developed and strengthened throughout one’s life course. Neuroplasticity is a phenomenal capability of the human condition. This is our brain’s ability to adapt and rewire neural connections as a result of an experience. In relation to this topic of strengthening resilience, the concept of neuroplasticity illuminates how we can recover from trauma, strengthen our coping mechanisms and deepen connections that promote healthy and adaptive functioning.

A final thought: During this pandemic, we have communicated to our children, through our actions and language, that the outside world is scary and unsafe, the isolation of Lockdown level 5 was a non-negotiable, online learning and social distancing became a norm… a world where masks and sanitisers are considered life-savers. Then, we contradicted this communication by putting our children straight back into the very world we told them was not safe enough. We sent them back to school, we went back into shops and life had to move on. It is not surprising that some children have suffered whiplash from the rollercoaster that is the corona virus. Thus, I have often wondered, who better to demonstrate agility and flexibility than our very own children. Their adaptation to the constant alarms as well as the chopping and changing of our current reality is quite frankly, the epitome of resilience.

Nikki Preston

Educational Psychologist

MEd Educational Psychology (Wits)

About the author

Nikki holds a Masters qualification in Educational Psychology. She has a special interest in early childhood intervention, and working alongside parents to support social-emotional and cognitive development. Nikki works within a multidisciplinary setting offering play therapy, parent support and psycho-educational assessments, all of which aim to foster positive learning and development. She is a mom to a little boy. Raising her son has been her greatest achievement to date.